Saturday, May 31, 2008

Alone

I am alone again. Your brothers are out and your father is asleep and I sit here by myself. If you were here you'd most likely be asleep as well.

Sometimes being so alone hurts. It causes pain beyond belief. This really has nothing to do with you except after you died and your grandmother died I slipped into the abyss of depression.

No one's fault, it was the way my mind and body reacted to unthinkable agony. I have never been as much pain as I was in watching you suffer and die. You had no control over what happened and I wanted so badly to take the pain from you. I couldn't. I was helpless. I had no control over what you went through.

I am so sorry you had to suffer. No infant should have to go through what you went through.

Familes should not be changed, transfigured by a child's life, illness and death.
I would have gladly given my life to save yours.

I don't understand why terrible things happen. I will never comprehend why you had to suffer and die.

I still love you. I still miss you. I will always love and miss you. Part of me will always be alone without you.

5 comments:

Putz said...

have you ever had lds missionaries explain there version of the plan of salvation

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Your writing is very powerful and beautiful, if sad. Thank you for sharing your heart (I know it's overflowing.)

euthymic said...

i cannot imagine what it must be like to lost both a beautiful child and one's mother. my prayers are always for you. God loves you and knows what you are going through, and i know that he will give you the peace that surpasses understanding. keep the faith, and God bless!

starsgoblue said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine having a child for so short a time and having that time be marked with such pain and despair. I'm glad you have a place to put your thoughts and I hope you find peace.

Summer said...

I'm so sorry Janice. I just wish I could help ease your pain.