In the midst of watching your infant die, the last thing one would think about is blessings. Well I did and I do. There were many mercies and blessings associated with Brennan's illness and death. I'm going to do a Janice list for this one.
Seeing the positive aspects of my youngest son's illness and death:
1. Brennan did not die the first time we ended up at Childrens Hospital. It was touch and go but he survived.
2. He wasn't very damaged by the first traumatic stay. He came home on phenobarb for his seizures but was still quite interactive when not wiped out from the barbiturates.
3. My mother came and visited, meeting Brennan for the first and last time, when he was still very cognizant.
4. He was home for over a week before we ended up in Childrens again.
5. The nurses and Dr. Deb who was in her last year of residency and was a friendly face from our first stay.
6. Brennan recognized me until the moment of his death.
7. Once we knew Brennie was going to die we got a private room which was soooooooo nice after being in rooms with 6-8 other babies.
8. The awesome glider rockers in which I rocked my infant for between 15-20 hours a day.
9. The 87 days we had with Brennan at home before he died. I cherish that time with him and loved him as much as if he lived to be 82 years old. I feel this time was a true gift from God.
10. The fact Brennan was never in a vegetative state and that he did not live for years that way. I think that would have been harder on our family.
11. The generosity and kindness of neighbors, friends, strangers and church members. It was very humbling to see how much others cared for our family, especially for Keenan and Riley.
12. My God given ability to rise to the occasion and be my very best Mom self when necessary.
13. I learned to be assertive without being obnoxious.
14. Brennan did not die on Riley's birthday but a week before. I am so grateful Riley's day was not turned into a sad event.
15. I got to hold my baby whenever I wanted and needed to. I needed to hold him often.
16. The circle of women friends who supported me and came to our house on death watch duty~just like in the days before modern technology. This was a wonderful example of what a community of women can do to help others. These women also truly loved Brennan.
This is what comes to mind right now. There were other blessings scattered around but these were the most important to me.