Saturday, May 31, 2008


I am alone again. Your brothers are out and your father is asleep and I sit here by myself. If you were here you'd most likely be asleep as well.

Sometimes being so alone hurts. It causes pain beyond belief. This really has nothing to do with you except after you died and your grandmother died I slipped into the abyss of depression.

No one's fault, it was the way my mind and body reacted to unthinkable agony. I have never been as much pain as I was in watching you suffer and die. You had no control over what happened and I wanted so badly to take the pain from you. I couldn't. I was helpless. I had no control over what you went through.

I am so sorry you had to suffer. No infant should have to go through what you went through.

Familes should not be changed, transfigured by a child's life, illness and death.
I would have gladly given my life to save yours.

I don't understand why terrible things happen. I will never comprehend why you had to suffer and die.

I still love you. I still miss you. I will always love and miss you. Part of me will always be alone without you.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Suffering Sweetly

I have no answers. It makes no sense to me. Why did you, an innocent infant, have to suffer? Because You were my son, I felt your suffering acutely. I don't understand why any child has to suffer.

In Myanmar many thousands of children drowned or were blown away on high winds or hit by debris. Because of some stupid politically paranoid government, the children who survived may die of disease, or lack of water and food. Why don't people let others in the country to save the children?

In China a 7.9 earthquake killed thousands of children. They were crushed beneath buildings as the quake shook the roofs loose. Babies crushed in their cribs or with their parents in their homes.

Even thou you suffered my baby boy I was able to rock you and hold you until you took your very last breath. In some ways we were very lucky. We spent the vast majority of your ten months, 11 days together. You died in an embrace of love.
I was blessed to be holding you and you left this world and went on to the next. I'll be seeing you there some day.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's Day Missing You

On your first mother's day you were 6 weeks old. You had no idea what day it was, but that was fine. I knew what day it was. My first mother's day with three children. I had you, my sweet little baby, Riley who was a 5yo boy full of energy, and Keenan who was 7 and half and thought you were one cool baby.

It was also your last mother's day. I was blissfully unaware of that information.

Yesterday your father told me I wasn't his mother. He did not buy me a card or do anything except say Happy Mother's Day. Your 17 year brother Riley did not even bother to do that.

I still feel your dad deserves props for being a dad, even thought he isn't my dad. He is half the dna in all three of you. He was present whe you, your brothers and the the babies we lost to miscarriages were conceived.

He's been through the toddler years, the soccer years, the baseball years, the junior high years and the high school years. I respect him as your father.

I feel like your father diminished my role as a mother. Like now I'm irrelevent since Keenan and Riley are in their late teens. Maybe he doesn't feel I do any mothering any longer.

I miss you Brennan and wish you could have been with me yesterday.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Feeling A Little Down

I have been pretty well acceptance and depression wise. In fact, I've been mostly even keeled which has been nice. When one has two teens and a husband secreting testosterone, it helps to be even keeled.

The Fantasy post has another side/The nightmare

If our first child had been born afflicted and began seizures at 5 months, his brain shrinking 25% on 3 weeks, losing his voluntary movement, etc we would have never had any biological children. A 1 in 4 risk is just too high for an always fatal disease. Because of the greater plan made by a greater power, I did get to feel the joy of creating children, carrying children, giving birth, nursing them, being head over heels on love with each of my sons.

We were blessed to have had that. I am grateful for that.

I always wanted children and don't know how I would have reacted if the oldest had been the one with disease. I'm glad I did not have to find out.

God is good. Sometimes my vision is cloudy.

Saturday, May 3, 2008


I don't do this often but every now and again I think what my life would be like if Brennan had been a normal happy boy. He'd have a younger brother, number one. I wanted 4 children back in the day so I figure we'd have a 19yo, a 17yo, Bren would be 13years old and Kieran would be 10. Yes, Kieran was my next boy name.

Bren would be on the Meeker Middle school Baseball, jv, cuz he'd be in 7th grade. Kieran would be in 5th grade and on a Little League team unless he decided to be very different from his bothers and decided to play spring soccer.

Bren and Kieran would be pals but mostly at home because Brennan is, after all, in middle school and not an elementary school baby anymore. Bren would tease Kieran and then one of the older boys would jump him for being mean. At 13 Brennan would only be 5 feet tall so both his older brothers would be much larger.

Brennan and Kieran would be my readers. They would love to read on their own exploring the imaginative world in books. They'd also love computer games but there would be a time limit on that.

Kieran would be struggling with long division as everyone in the house had, and Brennan would try(after I asked him nicely)to help.

Riley would have his driver's license because I'd need the help. There's be practices and games to get to and with 4 kids things get complicated.

I believe Brennan would be more thoughtful than his older brothers.(not hard) He'd also worship them. Kieran would still be his mama's boy snuggly and caring.

If only we got to plan our lives...............................