Saturday, May 3, 2008


I don't do this often but every now and again I think what my life would be like if Brennan had been a normal happy boy. He'd have a younger brother, number one. I wanted 4 children back in the day so I figure we'd have a 19yo, a 17yo, Bren would be 13years old and Kieran would be 10. Yes, Kieran was my next boy name.

Bren would be on the Meeker Middle school Baseball, jv, cuz he'd be in 7th grade. Kieran would be in 5th grade and on a Little League team unless he decided to be very different from his bothers and decided to play spring soccer.

Bren and Kieran would be pals but mostly at home because Brennan is, after all, in middle school and not an elementary school baby anymore. Bren would tease Kieran and then one of the older boys would jump him for being mean. At 13 Brennan would only be 5 feet tall so both his older brothers would be much larger.

Brennan and Kieran would be my readers. They would love to read on their own exploring the imaginative world in books. They'd also love computer games but there would be a time limit on that.

Kieran would be struggling with long division as everyone in the house had, and Brennan would try(after I asked him nicely)to help.

Riley would have his driver's license because I'd need the help. There's be practices and games to get to and with 4 kids things get complicated.

I believe Brennan would be more thoughtful than his older brothers.(not hard) He'd also worship them. Kieran would still be his mama's boy snuggly and caring.

If only we got to plan our lives...............................


Putz said...

i hope these fantasies help you get all this baggage off your shoulders and clean out your soul, and then you can go back and enjoy your family...let it all out, i and others will listen to you and you had better know by god that we do feel for you so very much

JaniceNW said...

This is the first time I've ever really done this. I know it will change nothing. It's kinda fun to pretend the kind of life I might have had.

I've gotten pretty good accepting Brennan doed and is in heaven and Kieran is a never was. It was just a whim I had. Thank you.

Putz said...

hey, i do know that you are very good at adjusting, i didn't mean to implicate that you were maladjusted or anything, i just want you to remember, but still be healthy emotionally, which i am sure you do and makes you an example to us who have also had losses

JaniceNW said...

Oh good. I wasn't offended I just did not want you to think I was one of those parents who make a shrine to their lost children. It did take me 12 to come to terms with that loss but also the loss of not being able to have anymore biological children. It was all tied up with my purpose in life being more than having kids. Sometimes I'm a slow learner. :)

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

It did not occur to me that you might have to mourn more than one loss when you went through this. This is a beautiful post; your vulnerability (putting this out there) is endearing.

Thanks for leading me here. (I'm catching up chronologically.)