Friday, January 25, 2008

Feeling It

After our traumatic trip to the ER last week plus the traumatic drug reaction that brought me as close to psychotic as I ever want to be, I'm feeling the loss.

This time 12 years ago Bren was very very sick. He tried to die several times but my female Christian friends came to sit deathwatch with me. Six women who cared so much for Brennan and me. Brennan refused to die.

I wasn't ready to let him go quite yet. I literally willed that kid to live. He slept on my chest, sitting up on the couch, every night. I had a double receiving blanket under his head because he drooled incessantly. The poor dear was unable to swallow. He was also unable to keep his mouth closed. The part of his brain that controlled those things was damaged. He was not paralyzed but had very little voluntary movement.

He would lie his head on my chest, listening to my heart that kept beating despite my pain. He would whimper when not comfortable and hum when I sang to him or played his lullaby tape(by Micheal Card). I would sing and talk to him until I was sure he slept. Then I would sleep right there, sitting up, feeling his small heart still beating.

He was on an oximeter to measure how much oxygen he was getting. He was being fed through an NG tube 18 hours a day. He needed to be suctioned out because he could not rid himself of mucus. This became a routine part of the day. I also gave him his medication through a porta-cath on schedule. He was on a med that was every 4 hours for awhile and I set the alarm to get up to do it.

He slept on my chest every night for the last three weeks of his life. I would catch naps when the home pediatric nurse was there. I did not want to be away from him because I knew soon he would be gone forever.

My poor little boy who never had a chance at life. Who would never grow up to drive me nuts as a 7th grader(where he'd be now). He never got to even crawl. He did not know what he missed. He took comfort in Geo, my women friends who loved to hold him, the noises he could hear from his brothers and from me. We were one in a way that is impossible to describe.

I miss him. I miss him as a baby. I miss him as he would have been the last 12 years if he had been healthy. I just miss him. I pray we will meet again in heaven one day.


Summer said...

My mother, aunts and grandparents all await the day they will be with their son and brother again. He was murdered when he was 2 and their grief still stings into their memories at times. But they know that he is waiting for them. They will be with him again.

You will see your Brennie again.

baby~amore' said...

I am sure Brennie is watching and waiting too to be gathered back into your loving embrace.
I am moved to tears as I read his story again. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers.
I can't get the song . Who you'd be today out of head either (by Kenney Chesney) a box of klennex song.

Anonymous said...

It always makes me cry, when I think about you carrying Brennie for 9 months, giving birth to such a beautiful baby boy, him becoming a part of your family and being taken away so expectedly. It is so unfair and so painful. I am so sorry that you and your family had to go through this. The hole in your heart and in your family, will always be there, despite the fact that you all move on and go on living.
I love that how you were able to hold him,and sleep with him on your chest, those final weeks. Your two heart beats, beating against each other. The same heart beat that comforted him in your womb, comforting him during his illness. He knew that you were always there, feeling your overwhelming love for him. He knew..he knew all the love that surrounded him and that his mother was going to be with him until the end. Heart beat to heart beat.

Grief never ends, but as you know you do have better days. I am so glad on the toughest days, you write.

I am sorry for your loss Janice, I really am. I do know that you will one day see Brennie again. I really believe that.

Love you.

Anonymous said...

I found you through Slouching Past 40. I read your story of your son's short life and it made me cry. I have a fifteen year old daughter who is severely handicapped and as hard as it was with her, I can't imagine losing her and me surviving that pain.

Putz said...

i firmly believe there is a veil in heaven and that when you die, brennie will be there to hug you and talk with you, in perfect health, and you in perfect health and you will want to and will be there to raise him th full there...i believe that intensely