Friday, March 14, 2008

Pop Up Feelings

Because of our move a whole 11 blocks south, I've been sorting and packing in the last 10 days or so.

I came upon my breast pump accessories, totally unexpected, and I lost it. I wept for over 30 minutes.

I wept for a life cut short.

I wept for a future denied.

I wept for the sweet boy I never got to see turn into a toddler let alone a teen.

Brennan Reed would have been 13 on March 22.

I wept for the suffering my innocent infant had to bear.

I wept, selfishly for me. For that family picture of all three boys in baseball uniforms lined up tallest to smallest. The picture that only existed in my mind.

I wept for the sadness I carry with me everywhere, even if it invisible to others.

I did not feel better or worse after I stopped crying. I just felt very much alone.

I miss him~always.

2 comments:

Eileen said...

Janice,
((((HUGS)))) I wish I had something even semi comforting to say to you, except that I love you and I don't think it is bad or should you ever stop (or think it is selfish) to have "pop up feelings" of grief over Brennan's death. I looked at this beautiful face and his sweet smile, and even in the pictures you could see him start to slip away. As him mother, I don't know how you ever get over something like that, except to go on and love your other 2 boys. Remember how you were there for Brennan, holding him, comforting him, loving him, right up until the end. You were there for him, your love for him is stronger than death. He is still with you, and always will be. Give yourself permission to have as many of there grief moments as you need, for as long as you need, you deserve them. You amaze me, you are one amazing, beautiful, strong, mother, wife and friend.
XOXOXOXO

Summer said...

I would have done the same. Sometimes a good cry provides the best healing.