Sunday, January 20, 2008

A New Viewpoint

This is not meant to be a put myself down or blame myself for my reactions to what we went through. I just had some scales fall from my eyes so I could see how those around me were affected by Brennan's death and the way I reacted.

I have done my family a disservice. These events did not just happen to Brennan and me. They happened to the entire family.

This is where our fairly happy and functional family started on the long road to dysfunctionality and my long pity party.

I have always thought of this as my tragedy. My baby died. That little boy who grew in my body, was fed from my body, was a physical part of me~it was my loss more than anyone's. Wrong. It was our family's tragedy and my martyr type behavior caused the cracks of dysfunction and anger that we are now trying to deal with.

I hugged my anger and my grief to myself for far too long. Anyone who tried to break that shell around me paid.

I think my biggest fear is that someone would know I was to blame for his death. Not rational but I was raised Catholic and our God was vengeful. Brennie was too young for God to be angry enough so in my self centered way, it must be my fault. Maybe Geo's fault. Someone had to be at fault. If no one was at fault, why did it happen?

I thought I was coping well, I lied to myself. I needed drugs to barely cope, I used the drugs to blunt my anger and grief, and that fact became obvious to me in the last few weeks.

Who helped Geo? Not me. I just chalked it up to men grieve differently and left him to twist in the wind.

I think I did okay with the kids except the after mother was not like the before mother. I still loved them, but my grief drowned them out many, many times.

I wallowed in my pool of martyrdom alone. I used people so that I could wallow without the kids around.

I had some great insights and I was completely blind.

I offered no comfort to my inlaws. I have no mercy for them. They were the enemy because I could feel what I thought to be my SIL's hostility. I thought she thought she could take better care of my kids.

Selfishly, I clung to my extreme anger not knowing who to be angry with.

Time to kick the martyr out of me.

Brennan was loved by many and I unfairly held him close to me.


Kate said...

That's all fair enough and a normal part of the grieving process; everyone has to do it on their own and a mother's loss is unique, even if shared.

Now the trick is to move on from here and include more of your loved ones, WITHOUT spending time and effort beating yourself up over the past.


Summer said...

I just sent you a couple emails and then hopped on over here to read this post. Looks like we're on the same page today. :)

Anonymous said...

You are being way too hard on yourself. You are beating yourself up, and beating yourself up and you need to stop taking on all the blame. You lost your child. Your still grieving, the grieving process will always be a part of your life. You were his mother, you carried him for 9 months, you took care of him when he was so ill, you were the one who was the most bonded with him. Of course you are going to be the one who is hit the hardest.
I am not saying that his death did not impact the rest of your family, of course it did. A loss as tragic as this, impacts everyone and everyone grieves. Not like a mother.
You continued to be an amazing mother to your sons, despite your pain. You still are.
You went through the worst possible thing anyone could go through, and you try every day to move forward. Yes, there are setbacks, but you never give up. Your love for your family comes across loud and clear, even when the stress level is high. You amaze me and inspire me.

Now stop being so hard on yourself. Looking back, blaming yourself, saying if only, it is not going to change anything. You did the best you could, at the time, despite the loss and pain in your heart and soul.

I love you!!