This is not meant to be a put myself down or blame myself for my reactions to what we went through. I just had some scales fall from my eyes so I could see how those around me were affected by Brennan's death and the way I reacted.
I have done my family a disservice. These events did not just happen to Brennan and me. They happened to the entire family.
This is where our fairly happy and functional family started on the long road to dysfunctionality and my long pity party.
I have always thought of this as my tragedy. My baby died. That little boy who grew in my body, was fed from my body, was a physical part of me~it was my loss more than anyone's. Wrong. It was our family's tragedy and my martyr type behavior caused the cracks of dysfunction and anger that we are now trying to deal with.
I hugged my anger and my grief to myself for far too long. Anyone who tried to break that shell around me paid.
I think my biggest fear is that someone would know I was to blame for his death. Not rational but I was raised Catholic and our God was vengeful. Brennie was too young for God to be angry enough so in my self centered way, it must be my fault. Maybe Geo's fault. Someone had to be at fault. If no one was at fault, why did it happen?
I thought I was coping well, I lied to myself. I needed drugs to barely cope, I used the drugs to blunt my anger and grief, and that fact became obvious to me in the last few weeks.
Who helped Geo? Not me. I just chalked it up to men grieve differently and left him to twist in the wind.
I think I did okay with the kids except the after mother was not like the before mother. I still loved them, but my grief drowned them out many, many times.
I wallowed in my pool of martyrdom alone. I used people so that I could wallow without the kids around.
I had some great insights and I was completely blind.
I offered no comfort to my inlaws. I have no mercy for them. They were the enemy because I could feel what I thought to be my SIL's hostility. I thought she thought she could take better care of my kids.
Selfishly, I clung to my extreme anger not knowing who to be angry with.
Time to kick the martyr out of me.
Brennan was loved by many and I unfairly held him close to me.